My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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