we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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