I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
