I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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