Apparently you make a good broom.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
