my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize