You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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