There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
