so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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