So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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