My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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