Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
did you just send me my own nude
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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