I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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