this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My pussy is not your playground.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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