I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
