I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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