When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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