im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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