Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
