So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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