This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
