So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
