the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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