I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
