Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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