Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
