hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
