What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
