Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
