This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
