He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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