dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
