When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
