You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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