That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
