the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
