cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
