i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
