Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
