my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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