dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
