Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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