dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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