We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
