he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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