What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
