Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i think i just lost a toe
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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