fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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