im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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