I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
