I am puke
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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