I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
