Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i now understand why vodka
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
