Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
