...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
