Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
