You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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