I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
