i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
