Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
