Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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