Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
