I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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